The New Vampire's Handbook

The New Vampire's Handbook

A Guide for the Recently Turned Creature of the Night

By Joe Garden; Janet Ginsburg; Chris Pauls

Villard Books, Paperback, 9780345508560, 216pp.

Publication Date: September 8, 2009


Being turned into a vampire is the easy part.
Actually becoming a vampire is far more difficult.

In today’s world of vampire-obsessed pop culture, misinformation abounds. A newly turned vampire who looks to movies and novels for answers to everlasting life’s questions will inevitably be reduced to a smoldering pile of dust. So whom can you, a neophyte immortal, trust to provide reliable information and proven strategies for leading your best and bloodiest existence? The Vampire Miles Proctor, editor of The New Vampire’s Handbook. In this definitive guide, the newly turned will find

• a head-to-toe look at your vampiric body: how to harness your new powers to dispatch mortal enemies, maintain your fangs, and embrace your vampirosexuality
• methods for luring prey, faking your way through meals, approaching other vampires, and creating a four-hundred-year financial plan
• tips on acting your “age,” behaving appropriately if you see a human you knew decades ago, and dealing with epic vampire feuds
• essential advice for blending in with the masses, from finding a coven to avoiding the media (and mirrors) to staying on top of the latest fashion trends
• the joy of scrapbooking

Plus helpful online resources, a glyph guide, renovation instructions for emergency lairs, a Ruling Families directory, nightly mantras, and personal anecdotes from The Vampire Miles Proctor’s nearly five hundred years of experience.

Welcome to the night.

About the Author
Joe Garden's story of being plucked from the obscurity of a Madison liquor store and thrust into the obscurity of byline-free satire writing has become legend. He has been a writer for The Onion for ten years.

Saturday, Nov 14, 2009

The latest film in the teen supernatural romance series Twilight opens Friday. This installment, New Moon, pits dreamy vampires against hunky werewolves in a battle for the hearts of teenage girls across America. Meanwhile, two humorists — Joe Garden and Bob Powers — have authored self-help books for new members of the vampire and werewolf communities. The authors talk with Guy Raz about the misconceptions and challenges facing the vampire and werewolf communities. More at

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