America, But Better
The Canada Party Manifesto
Publication Date: August 1, 2012
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As the American election increasingly resembles a production of CATS performed by actual cats, U.S. citizens are looking for a new leader. That leader is Canada, and they want your vote for president of the United States.
Since launching their viral video campaign in January, the Canada Party has been covered around the world, including CNN, BBC, the Huffington Post, and German State Television. America, but Better: the Canada Party Manifesto, balances the doctrine of American exceptionalism with a dose of Canadian humility and common sense to secure Canada as the new leader of the free world, by proxy.
Their promises: One gay couple will be allowed to marry for every straight couple that gets divorced. The phrase "job creators" will be changed to "job creationists," and they will be given seven days to actually create some.
Corporations will still be people, but if they can't provide a birth certificate they will be legally obligated to care for your lawn. Corners will be installed in the Oval Office, and timeouts given to congressmen who can't play nice.
Devoted to restoring America to its former glory, the Canada Party will soon have the whole world chanting, "Yes We Canada."
Chris Cannon is an American writer from Oklahoma living in Vancouver, B.C. He is the author of four books and hundreds of articles in magazines including Rolling Stone, Men’s Journal, and Billboard. A former U.S. Marine Corps sergeant, Chris served in the intelligence and counterterrorism fields as well as the Presidential honor guard. He spent two years on White House duty under Bush 1 and Clinton, marched in Clinton’s inauguration parade, and was a member of the Silent Drill Team. A graduate of Columbia University and the University of Chicago, Chris now teaches cultural criticism, satire, and magazine journalism at the University of British Columbia.
Years after earning a Masters’ degree studying tumor biology at the University of Saskatchewan, Brian M. Calvert began his second career focusing on comedic writing, acting and producing. The bulk of his earlier work was via collaborations with the online sketch comedy groups ChurchofJerks.com and VILLAGEiDiOT.ca, both of which he helped create. In total, he has written, acted, produced, directed or edited over 50 short films and 5 multi-media (live & video) stage shows. Brian was born and raised in Ontario, completing much of his schooling in Sarnia, border city to Port Huron, Michigan. He now lives in Vancouver.
America, But Better is a beguiling little bagatelle in a dispiriting political year, and Chris Cannon and Brian Calvert are to be thanked for adding maybe the only dash of humour to the entire proceedings, So as we prepare for two national conventions in which nothing will happen and three presidential debates in which no minds will be changed, maybe we should junk the whole thing and take a few pages from the Canada Party manifesto”David M. Shribman, executive editor of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, in The Globe and Mail